Sisters on Valentine's Day

While I was taking Adeline's newborn photos Cordelia looked at me and said "make sure you don't take more picture of Adeline than you do of me, I don't want there to be more of her". I have since used this against her every time she doesn't want her picture taken. 

It would take a lot of effort to surpass the number of photos of Cordelia in just two short months- in fact I don't think I will ever have more of Adeline than Cordelia because most of my pictures now include both of them! 

Fair has been one of Cordelia's main concerns these days- It's not "fair" if I seem to take more photos of Adeline, it's not "fair" if Adeline gets new socks and Cordelia doesn't, I made them both Valentine's day hair bands and it wasn't going to be fair that I planned them to be different. For the most part it only really drives me insane when I am tired because I know this is a big adjustment for Cordelia and "fairness" has been her only real complaint, most of the time she is a super enthusiastic sister. Also, from being one of four kids I know that fairness is a never ending issue.

In the end Cordelia didn't complain about her headband because it was much fancier and I think she thinks she got the better end of the deal. She is also home from school and on her 6th day of being sick- so she has more pressing things to complain to me about. I wish you all a wonderful Valentine's day free from sick kids and full of fun adventures. 

One Month

I am amazed by how fast this first month flew by, and honestly I am surprised by how much easier it was this time around. I normally tell new parents that the first month is the hardest- because everyone is finding their groove, and while we still had to find our groove (let's be honest, we are still working on finding our groove) Adeline's first month lacked the same levels of anxiety and stress that Cordelia's did. I'm not saying there weren't moments where I cried from exhaustion, but we have survived having a newborn before and we can do it again. 

Knowing how fleeting the newborn stage is makes me hold tighter to my newborn babe. I know the hours of holding her while she sleeps will soon disappear and knowing this makes it easier to remember that the dishes don't matter and the vacuuming doesn't have to get done. I still struggle with the lack of "productivity" some days, but mostly I just smell Adeline's sweet baby smell and tell myself to take a chill pill. 

It's funny, everywhere we go people ask the same two questions: "how old is the baby" and "oh how does she sleep". Well she sleeps like a month old baby- whenever she wants to and not always at night. Cordelia was a much better sleeper, but Adeline is at least sorting out her days and nights- well mostly. She wakes up about three or four times a night (depending on where you draw the line between when a day ends and when it starts). Her four am party hour (where she wakes up and wants to visit) can be especially hard. She is happy, but four am is not my best hour. 

The sleep thing is pretty hard on me because I am not a napper by nature- I tend to wake up groggy and confused when I nap so I don't make up for the lost sleep when Adeline sleeps during the day and Cordelia is at school. My own mind gets in the way of sleep more than Adeline does- I have a hard time winding myself down in between her feedings in the middle of the night- or even worse when I have a hard time falling asleep at all because I know she will wake up soonish. This leads me to writing blog posts at three am instead of sleeping, and the lack of sleep can be hard on my moral. When I am  tired my inner critic is able to shout louder and I have to work extra hard at keeping my own anxieties and depressions in check. 

What else can I tell you about month one? Adeline weighed in at 9 pounds and 8 ounces, she is starting to be a little bit more alert, and has a crazy case of baby acne. The baby acne makes me nuts because I want to "fix" it, I want to do something, but all I can do is wait it out- which I'm kinda bad at. I made her this dress while I was pregnant- its a little geranium dress - which is a free pattern by Made by Rae. I had so much fun making newborn sized geraniums I bought the big kid sized pattern so I can make Cordelia some too- ya know, in my free time ;-)

Darlips Baby Quilt

Not a lot of sewing has been going on in the Pinkham house as of late but in my blogging lapse I never shared this quilt I made this past spring. This is the second baby quilt I made and it was a gift for one of my best friend's baby. Sarah and her husband are better at waiting then Brendon and I are so they didn't know the gender of the baby so I kept to a neutral pallet for the quilt. 

However, I think that even if they had known ahead of time they were having a girl this quilt still would have been grey, white, black, and yellow because I was really digging black and grey baby things and Sarah's favorite color is yellow. 

Sarah also likes hot air balloons- hence the theme. I sewed up three balloons representing the three members of their little family, and I free motion quilted the whole thing. There is also a little heart hidden in the stitches just for fun. The clouds stand out more in person, they are a text print because Sarah has such a great love of reading.

I wish I had written down the names of the fabrics I used- I'll have to remember to do that next time! 

Welcome Sweet Adeline

Our sweet baby girl Adeline was born on the 7th of December. She joined our family earlier than expected but thankfully healthy and a sturdy 8 pounds 3 ounces. God knew we needed a sturdy baby because Adeline has a very enthusiastic big sister who wants to hold her almost every second of the day.  

I am not a religious person, but I do believe in God, and God knew we needed Adeline to help us get through all of the things that had happened this year. 

There are a lot of things that make Adeline different from her sister- not all of those things I can put a finger on right now, I just know in my heart that they are very different people. One of the biggest things right now is that Cordelia was a great sleeper and Adeline is my little bat baby- when we brought her home from the hospital she only wanted to be awake at night! She ate almost every hour on the hour, and she only wanted to sleep while being held. I think honestly I might have trained her to sleep like that by accident. During our stay in the hospital I kept her in the room with me at night- but I had such a hard time getting in and out of bed because my c-section incision hurt so bad that I stopped putting her in her little cart and tucked her into my hospital gown while she slept. I really enjoyed the hours we spent together like that, so I'm ok with the repercussions (well mostly- don't ask me at 4am how I feel about it).

Before I had a baby I didn't understand newborn baby smell- actually I didn't understand it until Cordelia progressed into toddlerhood and no longer smelled like a sweet newborn babe. I have to tell you I am overjoyed by every moment I get to spend hugging my sweet Adeline, and smelling her sweet baby smell. 

I actually had a hard time getting excited to take these pictures because that meant putting her down- and my level of creativity and drive has been on the low end these past couple of months.  Luckily, now that my blood pressure is back to normal, and I have recovered from surgery I am starting to feel a little bit more creativity- I still don't have time to make anything, but at least I have some interest in making things. 

It gives me things to think about as I hold my sleeping baby- right now I'm dreaming of quilts and what nursing clothing i'll make when I get a chance to sew- which hopefully will be soon because I am growing weary of yoga pants and t-shirts. 

But I promise I will never grow weary of these tiny feet. 

Superheros and Sidekicks

When I was pregnant with Cordelia my mother knew before I did. I was sitting on the couch next to her and said "Mom, I am so tired I feel like I am going to die, I must be coming down with something" and she looked at me and said "Katie are you pregnant? That's how I always knew I was pregnant". Turns out I was, and it turns out that level of exhaustion is a marker for my pregnancies as well- which means that this pregnancy announcement almost didn't happen. 

I'm glad that I fought through the fog and tiredness to make the dress because I'm happy I have these pictures to hold onto, and Cordelia was really excited about doing a big announcement this way. 

Cordelia had been asking for a little brother or sister for years, she played with every baby we came in contact with, she would rock and sing to the cat like a baby, she prayed for a baby- she wanted one with all her heart. Because of this is was really really hard not to tell her we were pregnant as soon as we saw the two blue lines on the pregnancy test- it also would have been great to tell her why on earth mommy was spending all her time laying on the couch! 

We told her as soon as we saw the baby's heartbeat at our first 6/8 week appointment, we just couldn't wait any longer. It was pretty funny, we were driving in the car and Brendon said "Cordelia, Mamma and I have some news for you, Mamma is pregnant- she is going to have a baby" Cordelia incredulously said "Papa you are lying, no she isn't, right Mamma- tell him you aren't pregnant".

It's pretty funny that Cordelia automatically thinks her Papa is pulling her leg. After we assured her that it was the truth she launched into all the ways she was going to help with the baby- how the baby would sleep in her room, how she was going to change its diapers- how we had to buy pampers diapers, and when the baby was big enough to eat food we had to get the Gerber food (Which goes to show that we watch a lot of t.v).  

I'm happy to say that while the enthusiasm for diaper changing didn't stick around, and Adeline isn't sleeping in Cordelia's room yet, Cordelia's enthusiasm for her little sister hasn't dimmed since we first told her about her. Cordelia spends lots of time dangling toys in front of Adeline, talking to her, fetching and holding pacifiers, cuddling and holding her, and all in all being a huge help to me. I don't want my babies to grow up any faster then they are- but I look forward to seeing them bond and become best friends. 

Grief, Stress, Heartache, and Hope

Hello Readers,

It's been awhile since we have spoken- and honestly I am not quite sure where to start. 2016 has been a year of ups and downs- and more downs for that matter. Life has been overwhelming and hard to put into words. In an attempt to say goodbye to 2016, I think it's important to give it a shot. 

The year started out pretty well- school was stressful, but I was working hard and making it work. We had a ton of beautiful snow, fun family "field trips", and lots of cute photo shoots with Cordelia. I got the opportunity to have my cousin visit- which was really cool because this was our first time hanging out in well over ten years and it was cool to connect. I also took my first road trip all by myself- ten hours all by myself in fact! Luckily I had company for the drive back (my dear Aunt Alice) because ten hours not talking was hard on me.    

Shortly after that trip is when life hit it's first speed bump of the year. After almost two years of hard work- and nonstop studying, I applied to the training program I was working towards- and I didn't get in. Studying science and the human body was humbling, and in ways totally exciting. I am glad to have learned all the things I did, but not getting in felt more then a little soul crushing. It may not seem like it- but I always have a goal and a direction, something to work towards, and this has left me floating and more then a little confused about what to do now. There are a multitude of articles on the internet about how children who see their parents fail and keep going are more resilient- so hopefully Cordelia is at least getting something out of this. 

Cordelia helped keep me smiling, and planning and throwing her birthday party, and a surprise baby shower for my best friend kept me busy.

and then life flung a curve ball our direction- we found out we were pregnant. I've wanted a second baby for a long time now, there was no doubt in my heart that Cordelia should have a sibling- I love my brother and sisters so much and they are such a part of my identity I wanted that for her too. However, months passed, then over two years passed. So many hopeful moments turned into tears over negative pregnancy tests I figured it just wasn't in the cards for us. I had reached a level of acceptance and started giving away all our baby things- who knew finally letting go of the crib would have been what did it for us. It made not getting into school seem like it happened for a good reason too because I wouldn't have been able to start while pregnant. 

   Then the saddest day of my life (up until this point) came, the day we had to put Pig to sleep. He gave me fourteen years of companionship. He watched me put on twelve coats of eyeliner and lace up my combat boots before leaving the house when I was a teenager, he sat with me while I cried about whatever dumb boy broke my heart. He moved out of my parent's house with me when I left to "become a grown-up". He studied for thousands of exams and sat with me while I wrote multitudes of term papers (the night before they were due). He used to sit on my sewing desk and watch me sew for hours. And after all that he loved my daughter with all his heart. They batted toys back and forth and cuddled while watching cartoons together. He was our constant companion, and I still cry because he is gone. 

Shortly after, we got the news that my Granddad had passed. My Grandmother passed away about eight or nine years ago and Granddad missed her more than anything, so I try to remind myself how happy he must be to be with her again, but it's strange to think that I will never hear him tell the same off color jokes again. My Granddad loved to tinker- he could make or fix anything and he spent hours working in his shop. He loved nature, the woods, and hunting- and he celebrated his 60th birthday by shimming up the tree into his tree stand and doing a jig. Granddad was a character and I'm glad I was able to spend so much time getting to know him.

And during all of this I spent morning, noon, and night throwing up while expanding mightily in the midsection. 

In August Cordelia started Kindergarten! She was more than ready for this change- but I cried and cried and cried. Unfortunately, she also cried almost every day after school for two months because she was so exhausted. Despite the exhaustion she is doing great- she loves the work, she loves her teacher, she has made a bunch of friends, and every day of winter break she has been annoyed because there is no school. 

Then, one morning in September I got the worst phone call I've ever received. My Dad had passed away. My Dad wasn't in the peak of health- but I would have sworn we would have had a couple more years with him at least, I never would have imagined that one day he would just be gone, and that I wouldn't get to say goodbye. 

My dad was a big man with a big personality and a big heart. He never met a stranger, and would (and did) talk to anyone. He could sell snow in the middle of a blizzard. He was a very jolly Santa with his very own beard and enjoyed playing the part for countless children and families for 28 years. This year was the first year I went to see a stranger dressed as Santa- and it just wasn't the same. My Dad used to take me out of school to go to the movies (most importantly all three remastered Star Wars films), we went shooting, biking, and every year we went camping- I really hate camping, but camping with Dad are still my best childhood memories. 

I'm not sure how you move past the loss of your dad, I can't manage to write these words without sobbing. Dad was so excited to meet my new baby, he felt so strongly that I needed to have a second child, and he loved his grandchildren. As a working Dad he didn't get to see as much of the fun baby things as he would have liked, and he loved getting the chance to experience it all again. It;s hard to know that my baby will never get to know him in this world. Even harder knowing that I will never hear his voice again, I will never hear his stories, and I will never fight about politics with him again. 

After my Dad passed my blood pressure started spiking. I'm not sure if it was the stress and grief, or if I was bound towards preeclampsia anyways with this pregnancy but I kept getting sicker. My dr's appointments became weekly (then twice weekly), I had to monitor my blood pressure at home, and I got put on bed rest.

One day, unsure of how to cheer me up, Brendon took me to "look at cats". We came home with a tiny grey, female, kitten whom I named Tula. Tula is a little ball of happiness, she was the last of her litter left and she soo badly wanted a home. She loves to cuddle and play, and she has the loudest purr. 

I wasn't able to go trick or treating with them- but I want to just say that I still managed a homemade costume for Cordelia. She was Batgirl and Brendon was Inspector Gordon (Batgirl's father of course). I'm sure sewing a Halloween costume doesn't count as bed rest- but I wasn't prepared to let this go, and neither was Cordelia. 

I spent the last couple months of the year going back and forth to the doctor, feeling really sick, and trying to keep up with Cordelia while not actually doing anything. We got sent to the hospital five times, and admitted three times, and then on December 7th the doctors decided it was time and we finally got to meet our little Adeline. I love every bit of her, and she was worth all the discomfort and all the times I had to clean glitter off of the cat because Cordelia decided that was how she would spend her time while I was throwing up. 

It's a little insane how much a year changes life. 2016 has left me feeling like I need to find myself again. I've spent so much time grieving, or sick I'm almost not sure of who I am at the moment. 

There has been so much change, so much loss, so much heartache, but we are ending the year with a little bit of hope. I'm not sure where 2017 will lead us, or what I'll be doing, but right now I'm not going to worry about it- because the baby needs feeding. 

10 Good Things About Pig

On Monday the Pinkham family lost a member. We had to put our precious Pig to sleep. He was a part of my life for 14 years and I feel lost and sad  without him. I know our pets do not live forever- and I thought I had been preparing myself for the end, but the end is always so final. 

After finding out about Pig's passing a friend mailed me a copy of the book "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney". It got me to thinking about the best things about Pig. Most of my favorite parts of  him are memories and not things, but I felt I need to write them down (so I might ramble a bit in this post). 

I was fifteen when I adopted Pig, My cat of ten years passed away out of the blue and I didn't actually think I wanted another cat yet. My sister saw this little skinny gray cat in one of the cages at the adoption place and made me pull him out to take a closer look. Pig put both paws on my shoulder and rubbed his face all over my face. That was it, he had to come home with us. Pig loved everyone, and he greeted most people by rubbing all over their faces- in fact that's how we found out my best friend was allergic to cats... 

For the record, I didn't actually name him Pig, I named him "Tomo". My dad renamed him Pig after we discovered his desire to eat everything- he would even get in your lap and try to steal food out of your mouth. His first Christmas with us he ate the Christmas cookies right off the table- and some of the plastic wrap covering them. He slowed down as he got older, but at the end he would steal McDonald's french fries, and he might just bite your fingers trying to take them. 

I know this isn't totally unique for a cat, but Pig loved laundry baskets. He would attack your fingers through the holes, I hated this particular laundry basket but I held on to it for a long time just because he loved it. 

Pig drank his water by dipping his front paw into the bowl and then licking his paw. He also did this to any waiting water glass. I now don't trust cups that have been left out. 

He humored us in everything, absolutely everything. 

When Cordelia was first born Pig pretty much ignored her- once she started moving around he always wanted to be doing what she was doing. He let her dress him up, he played with her toys, they argued over who really owned the pink princess couch. She would squish him and accidentally yank his fur- but he always kept following her.  

When you pet his cheeks he made this silly face
(We called it skinny Pig)

Pig made the best Pillow. He had the softest fur. 

He was always there. He studied with me, he sat on my sewing desk when I sewed, he greeted us at the door, he would watch me exercise, when I was sad and crying he would find me and purr and kneed me until I calmed down. He was always there.