Firsts

Life is full of "firsts". Memorable moments all of them, and we each have our own unique firsts that stand out the most. These "firsts" change over time. As a kid and a teen these firsts included the first time I rode a two wheel bike, the first time i took the car out by myself, the first time I dyed my hair, my first boyfriend, and my first (and only) dance. 

As a new adult your "first" start to include things like your first drink, your first tattoo, your first apartment.  

When you become a parent your "firsts" become shared firsts and they seem to increase in importance- first smiles, first foods, first steps, first birthdays, first Christmas, first family vacation. Amazing, breathtaking family firsts. 

Granted not all "firsts" are good. During your youth your first boyfriend will likely be followed up by your first breakup, your first drink might just be followed by your first hangover. As parents your firsts also get to include your first time nursing a baby with a fever, and possibly you first ER visit. I think the firsts seem to get harder the older you get. You loose jobs, sometimes get tickets and eventually you loose people to death.

After someone dies you start to mark time by a whole new set of "firsts". Every one of these seem more painful than the last. 

The first time you start to call them on the phone realize they aren't there to pick up. 

The first family dinner they aren't there for and you realize they won't ever be at one again. 

The first time you need to ask them a question they aren't there to answer.

The first Christmas without them. 

Their first birthday gone.

The first time you start to question if you remember their voice or their stories correctly.

It hasn't even been a year since my Father or Grandfather passed,  but tomorrow marks another first- the first father's day without them, my first father's day without a father or a grandfather. I'm not sure how to wrap my mind around that. I'm not sure how to wrap my mind around the fact that I don't have a Dad. I know people think that time will make the loss hurt less, but it seems like the further we get from the last time I talked to my Dad, the harder it is. 

For all of you experiencing tomorrow without your dad- I'm thinking of you, and for all of you who are hanging with your Dad tomorrow take an extra long second to appreciate him, laugh at his bad jokes, and give him a hug.