Montlake Tee by Straight Stitch Designs

I just finished up participating as a tester for Kimberly of Straight Stitch Designs . I have mentioned before how much I love testing (especially testing deadlines because it really keeps me on track) and this test was no exception. Kimberly was really sweet to work with and the amount of attention she put into the details of this pattern was just fantastic. 

I tested the Montlake, which is a relaxed fit t-shirt with a deep scoop neck, four sleeve lengths, and a swing hem that I really adore. The pattern ranges size 0-24 which gives it a great size range- something I really appreciate as a plus size sewer! 

I sewed my shirts in a size 18 and I didn't have to make any adjustments in length or to accommodate bust which was nice. I did narrow the sleeve width for two other versions I made our of stiffer fabric (I'll include pictures of those at the end).  I also want to pat myself on the back for making all of my versions out of my own stash! Operation "sew my stash 2016" is going well so far! 

  

I love the look of the narrow neckband- just remember, the more stretch your fabric has, the lower your neckline will be. 

This polka dot fabric one I made entirely on my regular sewing machine- which proves that you do not need a serger to sew knits.  

It's kinda funny, but even though I have been sewing for years it never occurs to me that I should make t-shirts! My thinking has totally changed because these were soo easy! And they were exactly what I was looking to add to my wardrobe.  Kimberly has the pattern on sale until Sunday (1/31/16) for just $8. 

Moving Forward and Creating Beauty

The other day I was wasting time on Facebook and I made the mistake of reading the comments section on a post about scars. As a rule, I don't read the comments on anything (except for HONY posts) because there are a lot of really judgmental, idiotic people in the world and they really think that people care about their asinine opinions. In this comments section those judgmental people were talking about how people who self-harm are weak and disgusting. It filled me with sadness because I know that those people would feel that I am weak and disgusting- and no matter how much disdain I feel for them, it still makes my heart heavy. 

I am sure that to most people self-harm is totally incomprehensible, for that matter I started cutting 15 years ago, and even to myself my own reasons to self- harm is a little incomprehensible. I can, however, tell you that cutting has only ever been a way to manage the war going on in my head- to feel something when depression has robbed me of any feeling, to give me something to focus on when anxiety has deprived me of sense and focus. 

When I was younger I cut everyday- these days I guess you would say I am in remission, the urge is still there- but I fight it, I exercise, or sew or talk about it. When I was a teenager I felt that I was broken and unlovable- but now I know that there are people who love me and cutting does more than just injure me and scar my body- it hurts the people who love me. Recovery has been hard, and it has been filled with relapses and dark times; my struggle through postpartum depression was one of the worst relapses, and perhaps the darkest periods of my life.  

It's particularly challenging when you carry the marks of your trials on your arms- kids ask questions about them, nosy women in Ikea comment, and I myself am reminded that when I am sad I could always just cut and feel better- if only for a moment. My scars don't feel like battle wounds from a war that I won but rather an imperfection to be ashamed of. 

Recently, after much debate I decided to start covering my worst scars with a tattoo- taking my physical representation of the pain and depression I have struggled with for 15 years and replacing it with something that is beautiful. So I can look down at my arms for once and see something I find beautiful and inspiring. Making things beautiful gives me such hope.  Starting this tattoo- on what has always been "the place" that I cut- is almost like giving myself permission to really leave the pain of the past behind- to be free of the stigma of cutting. Permanently taking away this particular area felt like removing temptation from my addiction which made sitting for the outline incredibly freeing (well, freeing and painful-because five hours of outline sure is painful). I greatly look forward to going back and having the color done.

In the end I should clarify that in my heart I know I am not weak like the internet trolls would say I am. In my heart I know that depression and anxiety are a war I fight every day, some days I might not feel like I am winning, but I know that every day I get out of bed and choose to be here, marks a day that I have won.    

It Was The Night Before Christmas

I can't always make Cordelia happy, and mostly I have accepted this. This was a really hard semester of school for me and unfortunately for her as well. I had to spend a lot of time studying to keep up, which meant that I spent less time focusing on Cordelia and she spent much more time clinging to me with all her might. Because it was such a crazy semester I did my best to cut down my Christmas crafting, I still did a little bit, but compared to years before it was really minimal.  

One afternoon while I was working on one of the few projects I had,  Cordelia came up to my desk and said "Mommy, are you making my Christmas dress?" surprised I said "no sweetie, I actually wasn't going to make you a Christmas dress this year because there aren't many more days until Christmas" and Cordelia said "but mommy, I love love my Christmas dress, you always make me one, you have to make me one please"....so on Christmas Eve I turned to my trusty Bella Sunshine Designs Coffee Shop Lace Dress and made a Christmas dress, well and a matching doll dress- but I have no pictures of it! 

I know there is nothing "christmasy" about this dress, no winter scenes, no red and green- but if it's made to be worn on Christmas it totally counts in my book! 

My sister picked up this cat fabric (part of the Hello Petal collection, designed by Aneela Hoey for Moda) in two color waves because we can't resist a good cat print and she suggested this would be a good opportunity to use it for a dress for Cordelia. 

The dark pink cat fabric has a fun bright teal accent color that I picked up in the piping and the buttons- I love a good button back dress. 

The only change I made to the Coffee Shop Dress pattern was that I more than doubled the amount of fabric in the skirt to make it extra full and extra twirly! The dress went over really well with Cordelia, and it was sure worth the time it took to make it! 

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Guys, I cannot believe that today is Christmas, This year has gone by soo quickly! I am happy to report that while 2015 was a stressful year that it was also full have happiness, laughter, and Love. This year for our Holiday photos Brendon suited up in my fathers very first Santa Costume. My dad dressed up as Santa for over 25 years and it was wonderful to still get a picture with a family Santa this year even though my dad isn't up to dressing up anymore.  

I hope you all are having a very Merry Christmas, and that you are all happy and safe- we are off to the Grandparents now! 

Is It Christmas Yet?

I cannot believe it's December already? It seems like a cliche to say so- but where has the year gone? Despite the title of the post, I am really not ready for Christmas. I have two exams, and two finals to survive before I can relax. However, with a very excited four year old in the house, up went the Christmas tree and up went the small amount of decorations that we have.

She is incredibly excited for Christmas day, she keeps telling me she wants it to be tomorrow. I have a feeling this month will flash before our eyes! 

Cordelia and Brendon picked out a nice tiny four foot tree on Monday that is very proportional to our living room (last year we picked a beautiful giant one that was kind of in the way) and Cordelia and I set it up last night. 

As we decorated the tree she pulled out each ornament, she told me about the ones she remembered, she matched like ornaments together, she told stories about ones she didn't remember, and she introduced the ones that didn't have pairs to "friends". It took forever to get the tree up and I was totally overwhelmed, but it was worth it. 

This morning She woke me up super early and super energetic, and fully dressed in dress she wore last year for our Christmas cards. She told me we had to take pictures in front of the tree, with the cat, just like last year- because that's part of Christmas!The cat was more cooperative last year, so I have a feeling we will try this again later. It is hard to get a picture with both of them still! 

I am really impressed that Cordelia remembers last year- I am always startled by what she remembers, especially as her memory gets sharper and longer. 

Paneled Sunsuit- Totally Not Just a Sunsuit

I love that the Paneled Sunsuit pattern by Call Ajaire is the pattern that keeps on giving. When I first signed up to be a tester it was just a sunsuit/ jumpsuit, then she added a jumper and maxi dress to the pattern. Then she showed us how to make it into separates! Top, pants, shorts, skirt, maxi skirt! Now she has even added sleeves- making it perfect for all seasons! You can download the sleeves for free here. 

Now is perfect time to check out the pattern because Ajaire is having a pattern tour- you should see the great combinations, and awesome pattern hacks that all of the contributors are showing! It's very inspiring! AND during the tour you can get any of her patterns at a discount!

I made my top out of a light weight navy cotton sateen and paired it with a cute purple with multi color polka dot fabric. I have a thing for complete outfits, so I jumped at the chance to try out the trouser view of the pattern to make some joggers out of the same navy fabric.  

I love the details in this pattern- like the self piping on the pocket! My one disappointment with these pants is the fact that this navy fabric is the most wrinkly fabric ever! I ironed and ironed them and as soon as she moved they wrinkled! SO- sorry for the wrinkly photos ;-) 

Another great thing about this pattern is that the shirt view can be reversible! Cordelia really liked the fact it is two shirts in one. She prefers the purple side while I prefer the navy- go figure. 

I made a size 4 in the pattern, but instead of cutting the shirt as a crop top I added about four inches and eased it out to be kinda a-line. I think it makes a nice, comfortable, relaxed fall and winter top. 

The add on is a breeze to sew and has one of the most interesting ways of finishing the sleeve hem and inside I have ever seen. I kept looking at it  while I was sewing it thinking "what in the world have I gotten myself into- this is never going to work!" but it sure did- and it worked soo well! So just follow the instructions! They are nice, easy, and well illustrated. 

Cordelia has been all about having clothing for Baby Ella so I made her an outfit to match- including little joggers. Do you guys ever make matching doll clothing when you sew for your kids? I'm finding it kind of addicting- they go together really easily and it makes Cordelia really giggly. 

This picture makes me pretty giggly. Thanks for stopping by and I hope you all take a second to check out the pattern tour - really amazing stuff going over there! And don't forget to download the free sleeve add on! 

I Am Not Perfect, But I Am Enough, And So Are You

Some days I walk around feeling an incredible weight on my chest- but maybe it's not really a weight- sure the feeling is heavy, but maybe it's more like a pressure or a squeezing. So lets start again...

Some days I feel like my heart is being squeezed- but not a good squeeze like a hug at the end of the day, a squeeze that makes it hard to feel like you have the ability to breathe, or stand up straight. 

I fear that if I stop to consider the painful feeling in my chest it would swallow me whole.  So I don't stop- I go through the motions. I wake up, exercise, eat, go to work, smile, make small talk, but every moment is hard- every moment is filled with the deliberate intention to keep going. No matter how hard I try to keep smiling it never makes it any easier to breath around the pain in my chest.

 But some days it's worse, some days I don't feel anything. Some days it's a struggle to even think about getting out of bed, some days the act of smiling and functioning makes me want to run and hide in the bathroom or turn around and go back to bed. Some days I wish I could cry because that would at least be better then the empty feeling inside. These days are worse, these days I would often rather feel pain then keep on feeling empty. These days are the days I have to move a little slower, work a little harder to try my best to take in the moments I should feel grateful for. These are the days I remind myself to ask for help, to be ok with talking about it.  

Depression is not a new companion of mine, but in a way I think it is one that has changed its face many times. When I was a teenager he was self absorbed- fed by feelings of loneliness and the feelings of being misunderstood. In my early 20's he developed more complexity as the notion that my depression and self injury hurt the people around me just as much as it hurt me. Now as a mother my depression has taken a new face once again- one that is a little harder to manage. 



Life is much more complex as a mother. It is an awe inspiring, heavy responsibility to mean soo much to someone soo little. My first spell of depression as a mother happened when she was about three months old. I felt like a failure, the despair was soul crushing, I felt unfit to be part of something so perfect and precious. I resisted getting help because I felt like it was a great flaw in my being and I was irrationally petrified that someone would see me as unfit to raise my little girl and take her from me. 

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I have great fear about how my struggle with depression- and anxiety, affects Cordelia. Will I really be able to teach her to be healthy and happy when I struggle with it so much? The feelings of self doubt and guilt over moments you feel you might have wasted can eat you alive if you don't fight them. 

At the end of the day I know I am the only mother she has, and I know that I can keep fighting to be the best mother I can be. And I am lucky to have such a strong supportive partner to keep reminding me of this.  



The alternating periods of pain in my heart, and feelings of numbness come and go. Sometimes for weeks or months at a time, and I don't know the answers to how to make things better. All I know how to do is keep going, keep coping, keep fighting.  I guess the point of me writing all of this- of sharing all of these feelings with you, is so I can say that we are all struggling, we are all doing the best that we can, and it's going to be ok. 

In a world of social media it's easy to only share the good, the pretty, or the funny- and to leave out the real struggles we each are going through, but I think that we need to spend more time talking about the way things really are. Depression is your mind telling you the same lies over and over again. Depression tells you that you will never be happy, that you will never be good enough, or strong enough, that you will never just be enough. When we think we are the only ones struggling  I think we begin to believe these lies. I am taking this time to say- I am not perfect, but I am enough. And you are too.