Dear Adeline

Dear Adeline, 

On your first birthday, I want to tell you that I have loved you since the very first moment I knew I carried you. I knew with every ounce of my being that you would bring our family so much joy-  that you were a missing piece meant to be with us.

Sure, the last year has been hard- harder than I ever could have imagined, but you my darling, you are wonderful. 

I am impressed by your strength- strength I felt when you were in the womb- I felt you kick and move, wiggle and twist. Your kicks were strong enough to make me stop in my tracks. Your entry to the world was a challenge and you fought every moment with me to be a part of it. I hope you are always this strong, this world needs strong women.

It's funny to say, but I like the way you view the world with caution and suspicion. Your sister bounds into life headfirst- she loves people with such faith in their goodness she is bound to get hurt- she will need you to temper her enthusiasm, just as you need her now to help break down your caution in new situations. 

  

I have been amazed that despite how suspicious you are in public you have always been loud and chatty at home. Even before you had words you had an incredible range of noises- and you can mimic almost any sound letting people know exactly what you want- and with great volume. 

You are also pretty funny, you love to dance- shaking your booty and waving your arms, and letting out the biggest laughs when you get tickled or when you blow raspberries on my belly.

Oh sweet Adeline, I wish I could keep you small forever, I so dearly love all of your baby kisses and constant hugs. I love how right now I can fix all of your problems, and even when it seems daunting and overwhelming- Mama can fix everything. 

But I know you can't stay small, every day this year I have watched you grow bigger, meet more milestones (always early), and loose more and more of your baby clumsiness. This past year we have watched you go from immobile to running! You climb stairs and stand on chairs (I really wish you wouldn't stand on chairs). You went from needing to nurse all the time to being the great consumer of...carbs...and sugar...with the occasional vegetable (you will get there with the veggies- I am sure)

You like to practice your fine moter skills by picking up every tiny toy/rock/choking hazard you can find in our less than toddler proof apartment. Right now you especially love putting things in other things- small toys inside cups and bowls, closing things in boxes, hiding things in cabinets. I am hoping that eventually this means you will like cleaning (I need at least one person in this house who helps without complaining). 

In addition to moving things around so I can't find them, you enjoy watching Sesame Street (you "sing" along with the theme song", drawing, and having books read to you. You like to walk next to the cart in the grocery store, and you scream with excitement and wave when you see the school bus. 

Adeline- Please love cats forever as much as you do right now- you get so excited you squeal and it melts my crazy cat lady heart. 

This year has also been Cordelia's first year as a sister- and she loves you as much as Papa and I love you, remember this, even when she yells at you and tells you to go away. Sisters are our best friend's forever- you will always have each other and don't let anything disrupt that. Love each other unconditionally, I always knew she needed you- and you need her just as much. 

Dear Adeline, Happy first birthday. Thank you for being part of our family. Thank you for keeping us smiling when the world seemed dark. Thank you for being our baby just when we needed you.

Love, 

Mama

A Roof Over Our Heads

I've been thinking a lot on how to write this post, what I would say, what to include, what to leave out, what I want to remember 10 years from now and what I'd like to forget. Writing things down helps me work through the things in my head, but my head has been such a messy place since we found out we would have to move. 

There has been so much panic- panic about how to pack when your infant cries every time you put her down. Panic about making big decisions on a tight timeline- and if you remember me talking about my postpartum depression, I talked about how painful decision making has been for me recently. Panic about money, about everything. Panic is overwhelming, it makes me stay up at night and it has made me wake up in the middle of the night feeling as if my heart is being squeezed and crushed by the hand of some unseen and uncaring monster.   

 On top of the panic there has been hurt- how does "family" just spring this on you? Why are people so uncaring? Hurt is often followed by anger, and in my case anger is always followed by depression- but I am getting ahead of myself. 

   

Without much time to plan our move it has seemed like every day we contemplated different options on how we should go forward. What town should we live in? Can we find something that we could actually buy? Should we even buy now? Do we have enough time? This process has been very hard on Cordelia- we wanted to tell her we had a plan, but we didn't, she wanted to know what life was going to look like and exactly when it was going to change, and we couldn't tell her that, we didn't have answers. 

 During this time I discovered that with some help we could buy- but we didn't have enough time, and we couldn't afford what we really wanted, and regrettably most apartments required you to make a lot more money to rent them than we do (even though we could budget the money and actually can pay the rent). This realization kind of crushed us a little bit- if we could buy a house we could make something permanent and safe, we could begin to build dreams again, and then not having that and then learning we couldn't rent was so hard- not only did we not have answers for Cordelia but we didn't even have answers for our situation. So we applied to a low income housing program- and with the assurance of the apartment leasing office that we had plenty of time to get the process competed,  we only applied to the one program. This was a mistake.

And regrettably we were mislead and paperwork issues have led to our move in date being pushed back four times- all the way up to past when we were told we needed to leave our rental. Which leaves us currently homeless. 

Yep you read that correctly, we are homeless, in fact we have been homeless for 10 days now. Months of hustling, looking at tons of places, running back and forth from the apartment giving them every piece of information they needed, we were evicted from my husband's grandmother's house with no place to live, all of our earthly possessions are in boxes in storage minus two suitcases, and a bunch of reusable tote bags...and my sewing machine because sanity has to come from somewhere.  

Being homeless is terrifying, but you know what? Being homeless has taught me a lot about people. Sure some people suck. Some people evict part of their own family- including two young children with no place to go and don't care- but there are more people who are kind, and generous, and good than there will ever be people who suck. 

As soon as we were really between a rock and a hard place people came from everywhere to offer us help- all kinds of help- help that has enabled us to have beds to sleep in and a roof over our heads while we work to figure this whole mess out. 

During this process I was struggling with how to keep parenting my children to trust the good in people when we were witnessing so much ugliness in a place I least expected it- inside of a family I thought so highly of.  But now I think I am starting to see the light, as I just said there may be disappointing people in life, but there are soo many more good people and knowing that I can focus on teaching Cordelia and Adeline to be good people, following the examples of all of this kindness that has touched us is empowering in a way. I don't think I will ever have words for how grateful I am right now, not only for the help we have been offered but for the way the people offering to help us has enabled me to regain my faith in goodness. 

I'm not sure I have said this recently, but thanks for reading along and being interested in our little family, all of your kind comments and "likes" mean a lot. And I'll keep you all updated on where we end up next. 

Firsts

Life is full of "firsts". Memorable moments all of them, and we each have our own unique firsts that stand out the most. These "firsts" change over time. As a kid and a teen these firsts included the first time I rode a two wheel bike, the first time i took the car out by myself, the first time I dyed my hair, my first boyfriend, and my first (and only) dance. 

As a new adult your "first" start to include things like your first drink, your first tattoo, your first apartment.  

When you become a parent your "firsts" become shared firsts and they seem to increase in importance- first smiles, first foods, first steps, first birthdays, first Christmas, first family vacation. Amazing, breathtaking family firsts. 

Granted not all "firsts" are good. During your youth your first boyfriend will likely be followed up by your first breakup, your first drink might just be followed by your first hangover. As parents your firsts also get to include your first time nursing a baby with a fever, and possibly you first ER visit. I think the firsts seem to get harder the older you get. You loose jobs, sometimes get tickets and eventually you loose people to death.

After someone dies you start to mark time by a whole new set of "firsts". Every one of these seem more painful than the last. 

The first time you start to call them on the phone realize they aren't there to pick up. 

The first family dinner they aren't there for and you realize they won't ever be at one again. 

The first time you need to ask them a question they aren't there to answer.

The first Christmas without them. 

Their first birthday gone.

The first time you start to question if you remember their voice or their stories correctly.

It hasn't even been a year since my Father or Grandfather passed,  but tomorrow marks another first- the first father's day without them, my first father's day without a father or a grandfather. I'm not sure how to wrap my mind around that. I'm not sure how to wrap my mind around the fact that I don't have a Dad. I know people think that time will make the loss hurt less, but it seems like the further we get from the last time I talked to my Dad, the harder it is. 

For all of you experiencing tomorrow without your dad- I'm thinking of you, and for all of you who are hanging with your Dad tomorrow take an extra long second to appreciate him, laugh at his bad jokes, and give him a hug.  

Having Thin Skin

During an argument recently I was told "Katie, you need to stop being so thin skinned"- which honestly is probably the dumbest way to try to resolve an issue with anyone, especially me, because yes I have thin skin, and I know that. I feel everything soo deeply- and you know what I'm ok with it. 

 TV commercials make me cry, emotional movies haunt me for days,  I have to work extra hard to see the "constructive" in constructive criticism, I struggle to make everything I work on perfect so it can be appreciated by others, I care deeply what other people think. Sure these all sound like negative things, and while the person working to insult me obviously sees my "thin skin" as a weakness I can tell you it is one of my strengths. Being thin skinned makes me sensitive and I wouldn't give that up. 

Being sensitive lets me feel everything, not just the soul crushingly terrible things in life, but the absolute beauty of Adeline's laugh- a sound so beautiful I feel as if my heart is being squeezed. I feel pride so intense over Cordelia's creativity I feel as if I might stop breathing for a moment. I feel love so deeply I would give anything for my family.  

 My sensitivity is one of the things that makes me a good friend- I care when my friends hurt, I notice when I come home and the people I share my home with are lonely- making it so that even if I am rushed and have 100 things to do- I stop and talk and try to make them feel better. My sensitivity makes me a good mother- allowing me to feel and understand the emotions of my five year old when she is tired or my four month old when she cries and cries. I give my all to relationships, and I am proud of that.

Nanea Hoffman said "if anyone ever dismisses you for being too sensitive, ask yourself this: who is more fragile? The person who is brave enough to say when something hurts? Or the person who cannot apologize or admit to having caused pain?" 

I am glad I am not as "thick skinned" and as insensitive as those who lash out at me and seek to make me feel bad. I will not apologize for being sensitive, I will not apologize for being willing to show or express my emotions- because my sensitivity and my emotions make me who I am, and honestly if you don't like who I am I'm really just fine seeing you go. 

10 Good Things About Pig

On Monday the Pinkham family lost a member. We had to put our precious Pig to sleep. He was a part of my life for 14 years and I feel lost and sad  without him. I know our pets do not live forever- and I thought I had been preparing myself for the end, but the end is always so final. 

After finding out about Pig's passing a friend mailed me a copy of the book "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney". It got me to thinking about the best things about Pig. Most of my favorite parts of  him are memories and not things, but I felt I need to write them down (so I might ramble a bit in this post). 

I was fifteen when I adopted Pig, My cat of ten years passed away out of the blue and I didn't actually think I wanted another cat yet. My sister saw this little skinny gray cat in one of the cages at the adoption place and made me pull him out to take a closer look. Pig put both paws on my shoulder and rubbed his face all over my face. That was it, he had to come home with us. Pig loved everyone, and he greeted most people by rubbing all over their faces- in fact that's how we found out my best friend was allergic to cats... 

For the record, I didn't actually name him Pig, I named him "Tomo". My dad renamed him Pig after we discovered his desire to eat everything- he would even get in your lap and try to steal food out of your mouth. His first Christmas with us he ate the Christmas cookies right off the table- and some of the plastic wrap covering them. He slowed down as he got older, but at the end he would steal McDonald's french fries, and he might just bite your fingers trying to take them. 

I know this isn't totally unique for a cat, but Pig loved laundry baskets. He would attack your fingers through the holes, I hated this particular laundry basket but I held on to it for a long time just because he loved it. 

Pig drank his water by dipping his front paw into the bowl and then licking his paw. He also did this to any waiting water glass. I now don't trust cups that have been left out. 

He humored us in everything, absolutely everything. 

When Cordelia was first born Pig pretty much ignored her- once she started moving around he always wanted to be doing what she was doing. He let her dress him up, he played with her toys, they argued over who really owned the pink princess couch. She would squish him and accidentally yank his fur- but he always kept following her.  

When you pet his cheeks he made this silly face
(We called it skinny Pig)

Pig made the best Pillow. He had the softest fur. 

He was always there. He studied with me, he sat on my sewing desk when I sewed, he greeted us at the door, he would watch me exercise, when I was sad and crying he would find me and purr and kneed me until I calmed down. He was always there. 

Dear Cordelia

Dear Cordelia,

And just like that you are five. Last night I was thinking about the night before your birth- It is a powerful thing to know that the next day your family of two will become a family of three- to know that you are spending your last night as non parents. It's  hard to imagine parenthood; sure you can make lists of your parenting "dos and don'ts" - many of which drastically change once you are in the thick of things, and you can imagine yourself pushing a stroller or going to the park- but you really cannot imagine being a parent. Once your Papa and I held you in our arms our world changed, its a fuller, more joyess, and at times more sleepless, world. 

In the past five years we have learned just how strong the emotions of love, fear, and pride can be. The first time I held you and marveled at your tiny tiny fingers and your perfect little nose I learned what it is for a mother to love her child. Over the next few days we learned what fear really feels like- and as we have watched you grow we have learned to be truly proud. 

Cordelia, I am amazed, and proud, by your empathy towards others. Your concern for the comforts of your baby dolls, your interest in the feelings of our cats, the time you take to try to understand and help your shy friends, and your deep compassion for me when I am sad or overwhelmed. I will never forget the time that I was overwhelmed and sad and you told me that you would help if I could tell you the instructions because we are family and family helps each other. I am often struck by how grown up your feelings seem to be and as your mother I try my best to help you understand them. You are soo excited by people, you love with all your heart and you enjoy making friends.  I hope you will always confide in me and allow me to help. 

This year we have continued to watch your interests grow! Batman, Barbies, Princesses, bugs, fairies, and space- you love it all. You watch Miss Fischer's Murder Mysteries, Blacksmith shows, How's it Made, and Bones with just as much enthusiasm as you do Doc McStuffins and Berenstain Bears. As I spent hours studying for school you sat with me learning the names of the bones and asking detailed questions about the inner workings of the body. Poor Pig gets check ups on a regular basis because you love to listen to his heart, and often when we eat chicken you ask me to name the bones for you.  

You like to try new foods, your favorite vegetable is asparagus, and you eat tomatoes by the handful. You love sushi, cucumbers, pickles, dried seaweed, shrimp, chicken wings, salmon, and all the fruit. You delighted in every picking adventure you went on with Shauna- you still love the funny shaped strawberries the best. 

This year we made it a priority to visit Museums. We have sat in art galleries drawing our own interpretations of  the art on the walls, we have practiced the poses of the statues, and we have learned about the natural world and it's wonders. 

You started asking to sew- in fact you helped make this skirt. We can only do a little at a time before you get frustrated, but you always ask to do more later. 

I am amazed that you have started building memories- this year you told me all about things we did last year. You wanted to recreate events as traditions and you were soo much more excited for holidays and birthdays because you remembered the ones before. As your Mama I feel soo much more pressure to make sure we build good traditions now! 

 You are the funniest kid I know. You have started telling bad knock knock jokes, your favorite number is 1800 (and there are always "like 1800" of anything). You enjoy saying words like "actually" and you say them all the time. Sentences like "Ah, I got you" come out of your mouth, and sometimes your stuffed animals really like to swear- but I am not allowed to laugh at that.

I hope that you always know how important creativity is. You put together costumes, and  tell me wild and detailed stories, you sing (you have even started remembering the words to songs on the radio- especially this one) and dance- I hope that is always you, and that you never change. 

Watching you grow is my greatest adventure. I am learning just as much about myself- my own strengths and weaknesses- as I am learning about you, but I have to say it's more fun to learn about you then it is to learn about me! 

I have no doubt that this upcoming year will be just as big as the last five, that we will grow and change as a family in ways we cannot imagine- just like we could't imagine what it would be like to be your parents. I love you and I look forward to this adventure with you and your Papa. 

Just Look At The Flowers

Have you ever noticed that when one thing goes wrong it seems like everything goes wrong. February started by taking Cordelia to the Dentist only to be turned away because her health insurance wasn't active. It was embarrassing but I totally handled it with good humor. Then came the hours on the phone to fix it- followed by a glitch in the system that caused Brendon and I to become uninsured. I didn't take this as well. 

 I spent hours and hours and hours trying to fix it. The people who made the mistake treated me like a liar, and in the end, after a great recommendation from a neighbor, I contacted my delegates office. Hours and hours were still spent for a mediocre solution, but I am incredibly grateful for the assistance of my delegates office because I am convinced it wouldn't have ended up resolved without them. 

In the middle of this I received a letter from my school informing me that I was not accepted to the program I have been working towards for the past two years.  Then I had a scare because my beloved Cat's tooth broke. 

I have to admit, that at this point I was wondering when Carol would show up and tell me that it was ok "just look at the flowers". 

I think that this is the first time in my life I haven't had a goal for the future. I've had plenty of goals that have failed- but normally I have a second goal by the time I realize that what I am doing is totally the wrong thing for me. It's hard not to take this time to regret the time I spent busting my behind just to be left back at square one.  I feel a little restless, a little lost, and honestly- way behind in life. 

That's ok to admit right? I mean, one of the things I have learned about being an adult (and at 28 it still feels strange to call myself an adult) is that most people don't feel as "grown up" as we think they are. Many of the people we truly admire for being successful, intelligent, awesome, people go through periods of time where they feel lost. 

Many people sit and look at the people around them and think "man, why am I not as talented/successful/intelligent as all these other people in the room". The truth is - the house could always be a little bit cleaner- or more "finished", we could always do with some more money, work is often stressful. Life is hard, and we are all doing the best we can- including those people we think have it all together.   

I ran across a quote from Winston Churchill that goes "Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm." This really spoke to me in a way that "when one door closes another opens" really hasn't. It reminds me that no matter how often I am hit by what seems like failure I can choose to fight to keep my enthusiasm and move forward. It reminds me that in life you can't control everything, but you can control your outlook. 

So while I don't know what's next, I do know that I am grateful for this smiling little girl, my strong supportive husband, a cat who turns out is perfectly fine with a lopsided smile, a roof over my head, and the realization that I don't have to figure it all out overnight- I just have to mover forward and enjoy the flowers.