Just Look At The Flowers

Have you ever noticed that when one thing goes wrong it seems like everything goes wrong. February started by taking Cordelia to the Dentist only to be turned away because her health insurance wasn't active. It was embarrassing but I totally handled it with good humor. Then came the hours on the phone to fix it- followed by a glitch in the system that caused Brendon and I to become uninsured. I didn't take this as well. 

 I spent hours and hours and hours trying to fix it. The people who made the mistake treated me like a liar, and in the end, after a great recommendation from a neighbor, I contacted my delegates office. Hours and hours were still spent for a mediocre solution, but I am incredibly grateful for the assistance of my delegates office because I am convinced it wouldn't have ended up resolved without them. 

In the middle of this I received a letter from my school informing me that I was not accepted to the program I have been working towards for the past two years.  Then I had a scare because my beloved Cat's tooth broke. 

I have to admit, that at this point I was wondering when Carol would show up and tell me that it was ok "just look at the flowers". 

I think that this is the first time in my life I haven't had a goal for the future. I've had plenty of goals that have failed- but normally I have a second goal by the time I realize that what I am doing is totally the wrong thing for me. It's hard not to take this time to regret the time I spent busting my behind just to be left back at square one.  I feel a little restless, a little lost, and honestly- way behind in life. 

That's ok to admit right? I mean, one of the things I have learned about being an adult (and at 28 it still feels strange to call myself an adult) is that most people don't feel as "grown up" as we think they are. Many of the people we truly admire for being successful, intelligent, awesome, people go through periods of time where they feel lost. 

Many people sit and look at the people around them and think "man, why am I not as talented/successful/intelligent as all these other people in the room". The truth is - the house could always be a little bit cleaner- or more "finished", we could always do with some more money, work is often stressful. Life is hard, and we are all doing the best we can- including those people we think have it all together.   

I ran across a quote from Winston Churchill that goes "Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm." This really spoke to me in a way that "when one door closes another opens" really hasn't. It reminds me that no matter how often I am hit by what seems like failure I can choose to fight to keep my enthusiasm and move forward. It reminds me that in life you can't control everything, but you can control your outlook. 

So while I don't know what's next, I do know that I am grateful for this smiling little girl, my strong supportive husband, a cat who turns out is perfectly fine with a lopsided smile, a roof over my head, and the realization that I don't have to figure it all out overnight- I just have to mover forward and enjoy the flowers.