I Am Not Perfect, But I Am Enough, And So Are You

Some days I walk around feeling an incredible weight on my chest- but maybe it's not really a weight- sure the feeling is heavy, but maybe it's more like a pressure or a squeezing. So lets start again...

Some days I feel like my heart is being squeezed- but not a good squeeze like a hug at the end of the day, a squeeze that makes it hard to feel like you have the ability to breathe, or stand up straight. 

I fear that if I stop to consider the painful feeling in my chest it would swallow me whole.  So I don't stop- I go through the motions. I wake up, exercise, eat, go to work, smile, make small talk, but every moment is hard- every moment is filled with the deliberate intention to keep going. No matter how hard I try to keep smiling it never makes it any easier to breath around the pain in my chest.

 But some days it's worse, some days I don't feel anything. Some days it's a struggle to even think about getting out of bed, some days the act of smiling and functioning makes me want to run and hide in the bathroom or turn around and go back to bed. Some days I wish I could cry because that would at least be better then the empty feeling inside. These days are worse, these days I would often rather feel pain then keep on feeling empty. These days are the days I have to move a little slower, work a little harder to try my best to take in the moments I should feel grateful for. These are the days I remind myself to ask for help, to be ok with talking about it.  

Depression is not a new companion of mine, but in a way I think it is one that has changed its face many times. When I was a teenager he was self absorbed- fed by feelings of loneliness and the feelings of being misunderstood. In my early 20's he developed more complexity as the notion that my depression and self injury hurt the people around me just as much as it hurt me. Now as a mother my depression has taken a new face once again- one that is a little harder to manage. 



Life is much more complex as a mother. It is an awe inspiring, heavy responsibility to mean soo much to someone soo little. My first spell of depression as a mother happened when she was about three months old. I felt like a failure, the despair was soul crushing, I felt unfit to be part of something so perfect and precious. I resisted getting help because I felt like it was a great flaw in my being and I was irrationally petrified that someone would see me as unfit to raise my little girl and take her from me. 

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I have great fear about how my struggle with depression- and anxiety, affects Cordelia. Will I really be able to teach her to be healthy and happy when I struggle with it so much? The feelings of self doubt and guilt over moments you feel you might have wasted can eat you alive if you don't fight them. 

At the end of the day I know I am the only mother she has, and I know that I can keep fighting to be the best mother I can be. And I am lucky to have such a strong supportive partner to keep reminding me of this.  



The alternating periods of pain in my heart, and feelings of numbness come and go. Sometimes for weeks or months at a time, and I don't know the answers to how to make things better. All I know how to do is keep going, keep coping, keep fighting.  I guess the point of me writing all of this- of sharing all of these feelings with you, is so I can say that we are all struggling, we are all doing the best that we can, and it's going to be ok. 

In a world of social media it's easy to only share the good, the pretty, or the funny- and to leave out the real struggles we each are going through, but I think that we need to spend more time talking about the way things really are. Depression is your mind telling you the same lies over and over again. Depression tells you that you will never be happy, that you will never be good enough, or strong enough, that you will never just be enough. When we think we are the only ones struggling  I think we begin to believe these lies. I am taking this time to say- I am not perfect, but I am enough. And you are too. 

The Bella Sunshine Designs, Coffee Shop Dress

I had the really great time pattern testing for Melissa of Bella Sunshine Designs  - and I am really excited to tell you all about it! In fact, I am about as excited as Cordelia is in this picture. 

When I saw the call for testers for the Coffee Shop Dress my mind started whirling with all of the possibilities that this dress offers. As I sat down to pull fabric I had  the hardest time deciding on where to start because I had pulled fabric for at least four different dresses! (I can't wait to go back to make the others) For my test dress I decided to go with two little flower prints in rust and orange- I'm itching for fall, and this just felt totally fall-ish to me. In the end I also love it because it reminds me of Felicity- and who wouldn't a dress that looks like our favorite fictional Colonial girl. 

The Coffee Shop Dress can be made in sizes 12 months to a girls 12, giving it a great size range. It is designed for woven fabric and perfect for that lace trim you have been hording forever (or is that just me who hoards sewing notions?). The dress can me made with short or long sleeves which is great too- I don't have a ton of kids sleeved patterns in my stash so this was great to add to the collection. 

I love a versatile pattern but to me the best part of this pattern is the instructions. An easy chart is included telling you exactly which pages need to be printed for your size and view- allowing you to save paper and ink printing! There is also an option for printing in layers so you can print just your size- making it a lot easier to cut out.  Sewing this pattern I learned a great new way to attach lace to a hem (it looks soo much cleaner then the way I was doing it before) and another great way to sew the lining inside of the dress (I love learning new things, don't you?)

And if my rave review isn't enough to convince you- it's also on sale until the 26th! Check it out here. 

Heaven Seems A Little Closer At The Beach

I almost published this post with out any words at all. I am not sure there are words in the English language that explains the feeling of peace I get when I sit on the sand and listen to the waves. 

When I was a kid I my parents took us to the beach for two weeks every year. I always had so much fun making sand castles, covering people in the sand, running in the waves, and swimming. I never quite understood my mom sitting in her lounge chair, under the beach umbrella, just sitting- not running about, not even really getting in the water. I thought she was kinda nuts. She always told me she just loved the sound of the water. Maybe it's part of my never ending journey to be more like my mother, but I think I now totally understand that peace she felt. That calm. That quiet. Well the quiet until one of the kids or my Dad complained about needing food, or having too much sand in their swim suit, or something.

For Cordelia's birthday we took her on her first trip to the Ocean. We visited and stayed with two of our good friends and the weekend was full of good food, ocean sand, zoo trips, and great laughs, It was the perfect trip, and I had been under soo much stress with school that it was amazing to have a break- and to have that break be soo much fun! 

This trip was a long time in the making. I probably can't count the number of times our friends have invited us to visit- or the number of times we have said "yeah that would be awesome, maybe this year". Additionally, when I was 9 months pregnant I was so tired and stressed and on my way to a check up I was almost kept driving- I was determined to take myself to the beach. I talked myself out of it and Brendon promised to take me that weekend... but then the Dr put me on bed rest. Four years later we finally made it. 

and it was sure worth the wait.

The Paneled Sun suit Pattern: Review

Hi guys! I know it's been a little quiet on the blog front but I sure have been busy sewing! I am thrilled to share some of that sewing with you today. 

I don't sew from patterns much, but when I saw that Call Ajaire was calling for testers for her new sunsuit pattern I jumped at the opportunity. I had seen a couple versions Ajaire had made on Instagram and they were just soo stinking cute! 

One of the best parts about this pattern is just how versatile it is. In one pattern you can make a sun suit, jumpsuit, short dress, maxi dress, pants, shorts, top, and a skirt. That is a ton of options, am I right!?! And- all of the instructions are super detailed and beautifully illustrated. 

The Paneled Sun Suit pattern was so fun to sew I ended up making three versions of it- starting with the jumpsuit view. I used a thicker gauze like fabric, so even though it's pants its comfortable to wear in the current hot weather (and it offers some protection from the rotten mosquitoes).  The pattern features elastic straps, waist and back making it easy to wear and will allow it to be worn for longer (because kids just grow soo fast)

 

In addition to the multiple styles you can make with this pattern it also has three different pocket options. You can choose no pocket, a plain pocket, or a self piped pocket. For the jumpsuit I went with a plain pocket and I think start to finish the whole thing took me a little over an hour to sew. 

The second version I made was the maxi dress version. I always worry about making things too short for Cordelia because she grows soo fast and so I accidentally made this dress a tad too long- but Cordelia loved that it was "super super long like a princess".

This dress was made from a thrifted vintage sheet with pink vintage rick rack trim at the neck and then blue floral cotton details. This time I tried out the self piped pockets and I love the detail! They were also much easier to sew then I had guessed they might be. 

I really dig the elastic straps in the Paneled Sun Suit- they seem to make it much more comfortable to wear and in the sun suit and jumpsuit versions it makes it super easy for Cordelia pull it on and off. 

I don't want to say this is the final one- because I am sure going to make more Paneled Sun Suits- but for the final view for this post I made the sun suit version. As you all know we run a little geeky in this house and as soon as I started thinking about sewing a shorts version I knew it had to look like Batman. 

I feel like we could all fight crime and save Gotham in this, right?

Cordelia was the happiest the day we took the Batman photos so I was able to get some good detail shots to show you all the neat bits of this pattern. 

I cannot tell you enough times just how much I love this pattern. It is available exclusively today till Sunday at Up Craft Club, and starting Monday you can purchase it HERE. Also you should totally check out all of the other awesome versions all the wonderful testers made by looking up the hashtag #paneledsunsuit  ! 

Halloween Birthday Party Costume

I don't think you can have a truly awesome Halloween Birthday Party without a truly awesome costume. So when Cordelia asked to be a "blue and pink fairy" for her party I did my best to go all out.

We ordered these really awesome soft wings from Amazon (I think they might be the best thing I have ever bought Cordelia because we break wire wings in three days and she can wear them in the car which has saved us soo many tears) and based the rest of the costume around them. It was a challenging pink to match, but in the end (and with the help of my nephew who wanted to cry because I was soo indecisive at the fabric store) I am really happy with how it came out. The bodice is a calico cotton, and the skirt is a couple layers of metallic blue dress up fabric, teal fish scale organza, dark teal sparkle tulle, and pink shinny tulle. 

I was tickled to find flowers that matched soo well for the crown and the waist- and this is the first flower crown I have ever made! 

I did not make the wand because I ran out of time, so I was very happy when the pink glitter I used to recover an old worn out pair of shoes helped to tie the wand into the theme! 

The most fun I have sewing is when I can make Cordelia something that I know I would have loved to have as a kid. Sometimes Its hard not to feel that she is soo totally her father's child- but fairies, princesses, magic and fabulous dresses? That's totally our thing. 

Happy Halloween Birthday Party

I kinda love party planning- nothing gets me more excited than a good theme. So I was totally thrilled when Cordelia picked my absolute favorite thing as the theme for her 4th birthday party: Halloween. My my mind started racing with ideas- and thank goodness I have such loving siblings or it never would have gotten all done (since school was eating me a live up until 4 days before the party).

 I think that paper invitations are one of the coolest things- I really love a good invite, and even though everyone kept telling me to let this one thing go I just couldn't do it and I love how they turned out. I saw the idea on One Charming Party and we pretty much used her templates- but my nephew did the inside body a little different, and my sister  used her silhouette to cut everything out. 

Our apartment is a little too small to host all of our family friends and so each year we find someplace new to hold the birthday party- we have rented a community room at a friends place, held the party at my mom's, my brother and sister in law graciously let us use their yard, and this year we were able to use a room at Brendon's lodge. We were excited to use the lodge because with Cordelia gaining more neighborhood friends we really wanted to keep it super local and the lodge is in waking distance for most of them! Also no one had to clean their house- which is a total added perk. And we set up the night before which helped my sanity level immensely.  

We decked the place out with streamers, paper pumpkins Cordelia helped make, tons of balloons, and every Halloween decoration my mom and I own (which is actually kind of a lot). 

We ate pulled chicken sandwiches, mummy dogs, monster marshmallow pops, spider web decorated bean dip, cheese ball, pumpkin shaped rice crispy treats, monster cupcakes, and the coolest Maleficent barbie cake made by my sister. 

Each kid got to adopt their own monster- also made by my sister who loves me and likes to enable my crazy (if making 25 monsters for a birthday party isn't love I don't know what is)

Each monster came with a certificate for the kid to fill out- naming their monster and promising to take care of it. The kids really loved them- and it was especially fun to see what they picked for names. We had Boobo, Princess Patty, Kron Kron, Boo Boo Butt, Hydro, Gerbie, Lily, Octopus, Pickle, and a couple who hadn't been named yet. 

The kids got also got to decorate and take home a Halloween tote bag- donated from my boss and designed and printed by my brother. Hopefully the kids will use them for Trick or Treating come Halloween! They also got to color super cute coloring books (that I failed to photograph with my real camera) that had all sort of fun Halloween activities in them (made by my nephew and my sister Lori) 

Last, but not least was Monster Bowling! My brother and sister in law painted these bowling pins for the party and I cannot get over how  awesome they are. I keep trying to pick my favorite ones- but they are all soo cute!

As a prize for bowling the kids got bloody popcorn hands, and spider lollipops. 

 

Cordelia, Brendon, and I are soo grateful for everyone that helped us create, set up, and clean up for this party- you are all truly amazing. And thank you to all of our friends who came and helped us celebrate, we couldn't have picked more awesome people to help us celebrate another year in the life of Cordelia!